Thursday, April 2, 2009

melancholy relaxation

today was super lame, its essentially the definition as to why i dont like having days off. days off are way too much time to think, so low and behold i went into the shop any way to drop off some office supplies, kick it to mc chris and journey and think about my life a little bit less. congratulations to sarah, she graduated cosmetology school today, hooorrraaaay! i was supposed to have another laser session on my back today; though when i went into the laser place we decided my back wasnt healed enough from the last session and i'd need to wait another few weeks. so i'll be going back in at the end of the month for some horrendous pain and misfortune again. for some reason i've been in a horrible mood lately, the past week has set me back in attitude to where i was a month ago. i'm going to blame it on the over cast weather and the ridiculous humidity (even though thats just today, weather is an awesome scapegoat). have you ever sat next to some one and felt like you're completely alone and the only human being in existence? thats probably a good way to explain my life. i dont know if i'm depressed or just anti-social and a complete attention whore all at once. its been difficult for me to clear my mind after i tore my acl. i used to just pop my head phones in and run for a couple hours, that would help me a lot. i cant do that right now. i did go for a walk today, only to the bank, but moving at all is nice every once in a while. i need to quit smoking again. i cut back a lot on my drinking after i was arrested last week, i find that my insomnia is worse when i'm sober and i've had some issues with anxiety. its probably going to be a lot harder than i thought to not drink so much. i'm starting to realize more and more that i do have a drinking problem. i've been battling this for years, getting out of las vegas helped but its definitely not over. all i want to do today is go to the bar and get hammered, all i wanted to do last night was go to the bar and get hammered. i didn't last night, and i won't tonight. i've never had a very good sense of self control, my ability to say no to me is almost non existent. i think my biggest road block is the fact that i truly enjoy drinking, and i do like the person i am when i drink. i need a vacation from life. i wish i could just disappear into some alternate reality and be a god damn tree for a day. that would be great, my only worries would be sharp objects and birds shitting on me.

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